Retweeting Pirates in the Redlight District

The most retweeted silly status updates for the past few months from @tracyyoungtv:

• I was on a date & went through a red light camera. I received a letter in the mail, saying that she’s too good for me.3:56 PM May 8th from web

• I’m sitting next to a axe-murderer. “I axed her about that thing that the dude axed her about, after axing his sister.”1:06 PM Nov 2nd from web

• I just bought a new translation of the Bible. Before every OT prophecy are the words: SPOILER ALERT!9:30 PM Nov 5th from web

• Gonna have a vintage Halloween: candy cigarettes, bubble gum cigars, chewy little liquor bottles & rubber band masks.9:29 PM Oct 30th from web
• A screaming 2yr old was kicked off Southwest Airlines… if it was Northwest, they would allowed the baby to fly the plane.9:25 PM Oct 30th from web

• Don’t know what to get a Northwest Airline pilot for Christmas? How about a Snuggie & a Do Not Disturb sign.10:50 PM Oct 26th from web

• World Series starts & will answer the age-old question: Which city will host the violence when their city wins the trophy.10:28 PM Oct 26th from web

• A new study shows being the President of US ages you 2yrs for every year. Being Lindsay Lohan ages you 20yrs for every year.11:25 AM Oct 23rd from web

• Today, Snoop Doggy Dog is 38 in human years… how many is that in… ?9:10 PM Oct 21st from web

• Annoying kid asked me what was the Pony Express. I told him that they were the WIFI carriers of the old west.3:47 PM Oct 21st from web

• I received a letter in the mail! I didn’t know how to boot it up. Where’s the power source? Where do I plug it in?11:36 AM Oct 21st from web

• Cute girl said to me: “Email me.” I said that I will text her. She said she didn’t have text service. It didn’t work out… unequally yoked.9:27 AM Oct 20th from web
• My friend Ray is conducting a Summit with General Tso and Captain Morgan. Cap’n Crunch is not invited until breakfast.8:28 PM Oct 19th from web

• Simple Halloween costume this year. Going as Balloon Boy. When I get to your party, I will just go hide in the attic.3:38 PM Oct 16th from TweetDeck

• Girl hinting about diamonds/flowers: “U know what girls want?” Me:”Uh, a really good pair of Spanx?” “What!?” “Nothing”4:43 PM Oct 13th from web

• I’m standing behind a lady wearing low-rise jeans, who shouldn’t be. I think we are now legally married in 3 countries.3:06 PM Oct 9th from web

• Alfred Nobel, the inventor of dynamite, leaves behind a legacy. Jimmie “J.J.” Walker’s: “DYN-O-MITE!!” Thank you, Nobel.12:12 PM Oct 9th from web
• We are going to bomb the moon… just in case Osama bin Laden is there. Leave MARS alone, or it will “make me very angry!”9:48 AM Oct 8th from web

• We are going to bomb the moon… then we will look for weapons of mass destruction.7:43 PM Oct 7th from web

• Tonight the neighborhood is having a NATIONAL NIGHT OUT for crime awareness. I will stay inside… I’m scared of the neighbors!5:04 PM Oct 6th from web

• When the Cowboys are on FOX, I am always afraid that the FOX robot mascots will attack & hurt Tony Romo. Oh my!3:23 PM Oct 4th from web

• Now is the time of the year that I get free candy off of people’s desks & save them up to give out on Halloween.3:16 PM Oct 1st from web
• I wish my brain would wake up at the same time that I do… I can hear my brain still snoring inside of my head.9:42 AM Sep 30th from web

• I always wanted a girl that had the body of Angelina Jolie & the morals of Sis Theresa but I dated girls w/body of Sis Theresa & morals of Angelina7:17 AM Sep 27th from web
• American Girl has a new doll called Homeless girl. Look for the forthcoming Crack Head doll & The Amy Winehouse doll10:28 PM Sep 26th from web

• Salt Lake City: a truck overturned on an interstate, covering a lane of the roadway with french fries. I’ll be in Salt Lake w/some ketchup.9:20 AM Sep 24th from web

• The SNUGGIE now has imitators… the SLANKET. Please don’t confuse that with a SKANK-ET… which is something entirely different.11:29 PM Sep 20th from web

• President Obama is appearing on 5 talk shows this AM & his frequent primetime speeches is on TV more times than the Shamwow commercial.5:36 PM Sep 20th from web
• Guy: “Do you even KNOW the last line of the National Anthem?” Me: “Uhhh, ‘Gentlemen, please start your engines?'”9:55 AM Sep 19th from web

• HS teachers are upset that students are using texting words in papers. OMG! Really? 🙂 That’s barrising! LOL!11:51 AM Sep 15th from web

• 2 girls were stuck in a storm drain w/cellphone, updated their Facebook status instead of calling 911. I was taking a quiz or I would’ve helped.12:50 PM Sep 13th from web

• I need to hitchike home today from the hospital, so I will hike up my gown & flip my thumbs on the interstate… Sexy!9:07 AM Sep 10th from Tweetie

• For now, I am only allowed clear liquids… sounds like my neighbor, who only has vodka for his meals.2:15 PM Aug 25th from web

• Elderly man in line: “You know what the AARP is, don’t you?” Me: “Uh, the mafia for older folks?” “What!?” “Nothing.”3:10 PM Aug 24th from web

• Healthcare… is there an app for that?1:29 PM Aug 23rd from web

• I wash my Hand Sanitizer bottles down with soap & water… is that weird?6:31 AM Aug 23rd from web
• My Hand Sanitizer says it gets rid of 99.9% of germs… I am now worried about that .1% of germs that is ALL OVER ME!!!1:46 PM Aug 22nd from web
• I wonder if my pastor likes Tacos al carbon y al pastor.1:39 PM Aug 22nd from web
• I think I am getting older… I no longer daydream about beautiful girls… I now daydream of Cooper’s Barbeque! Yum….11:26 AM Aug 22nd from web
• I think Obama Healthcare is like my old high school football coach’s… “Just walk it off!”9:55 AM Aug 22nd from web

• A guy told me that he only gets his news from The Daily Show on Com Cent. I told him that I get my news from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.1:22 PM Aug 15th from web
• They are putting a camera down my throat today. “I am ready for my closeup now, Mr Deville.”7:44 AM Aug 14th from txt
• They will stick a camera down my mouth tomorrow to check my stomach. I am demanding HD cameras & a percentage of the DVD sales.7:00 PM Aug 13th from web
• Study shows a cut in the risk of death from heart disease 4 heart attack survivors who eat chocolate. Take 2 Snickers & call me in the AM.10:00 AM Aug 13th from TweetDeck
• It is illegal to yell, “Health Care!” in a crowded theater.1:05 PM Aug 12th from web

• I saved $300 a month in gas in my new VOLT car… & spent $3000 on my electric bill! I’m green!8:07 AM Aug 12th from Tweetie

• I went to a boxing match and a Health Care Town Hall Meeting broke out.12:57 PM Aug 11th from Tweetie

• I have the funniest nurses… If I say anything that they don’t like, they turn a knob and then, BLAM! …it’s the next day all of a sudden!2:11 AM Aug 9th from Tweetie

• Nurse: “How tall are you?” 5 foot 5. “I was determining how much calories you are to eat.” Oh, I meant to say that I am 12 foot tall.1:24 PM Aug 8th from web

• I have 2 ice cubes that have never let go from the tray from way back from 1993. I admire their persistence.5:48 AM Aug 4th from web

• I have set my alarm tonight for Jon&Kate’s return… I want to make sure that I miss it.8:26 AM Aug 3rd from web

• 150 ppl overcome by fumes at Bank of America call center. Firefighters say it was just perfume. Another plug 4 Amy Winehouse perfume!12:14 PM Jul 30th from web
• Michael Vick says he is close to finding an NFL team… he says he has a few search dogs sniffing them out now.11:30 AM Jul 30th from TweetDeck

• I waited doing my laundry long enough, that they got up on their own & put themselves into the washer & started it.12:37 PM Jul 28th from web
• Officials are looking into where Michael Vick was when the Taco Bell dog died… they insist it’s just a investigation.12:14 PM Jul 28th from web
• I took a shower w/new bacon-flavored soap & took a walk around the block. I was followed by stray dogs who took advantage of me!9:19 PM Jul 27th from web

• I went to Sam’s Warehouse & bought 300 rolls of toilet paper… you think that will last a week?6:15 PM Jul 26th from web
• NBC continues its Sunday Movie Disaster of the week. Last week was meteors, today is Storms, next week is Obama Healthcare.5:00 PM Jul 26th from web

• I had a open faced bologna sandwich today… I only had one piece of bread left.9:30 AM Jul 26th from web

• Met former Spur Monte Williams. I am half his size so I am a half Monte & he is a full Monte… wait, that sounds bad.10:31 PM Jul 24th from web

• They say Obama is on every channel right now… I turned to watch him on Fox dancing on You Think You Can Dance. Go Obama Go Obama!7:02 PM Jul 22nd from web
• I like this hospital gown… I think I will wear it on my next date.3:23 PM Jul 22nd from Tweetie

• I was on a date & went through a red light camera & received a letter in the mail, saying:”Ehhh! You can do better.”11:30 AM May 22nd from web

• Cute young mail lady rang my door & asked for my name. “Wow, it’s Tracy, what’s yours?” “None of your business, I have a registered letter.”3:47 PM Jul 20th from web
• Annoying guy said: “Did you know Louie Armstrong landed on the moon 40 years ago today?” “Neil?” “I’m not going to kneel about it!” “Okay.”12:45 PM Jul 20th from web
• Rice Krispies are talking to me again… they’re saying: “Get a better breakfast.”9:31 AM Jul 19th from web

• “Would you like American cheese with that?” “American cheese, huh? Let me see the birth certificate.”8:41 AM Jul 16th from web

• Annoying guy asked me if I knew how to make white people go crazy.I replied, “Uh, either play the Chicken Dance song or YMCA?”11:38 AM Jul 15th from web
• Girl was flirting w/me & casually mentioned she is wearing bacon-flavored lip balm… I almost asked for marriage right there!10:59 AM Jul 15th from web

• I need a Hispanic accent module for my GPS… currently my GPS lady mispronounces all the streets in San Antonio.8:43 PM Jul 14th from web

• I miss those Reply-All emails throughout corporate, where most of them reply all saying: “Stop Replying All!” Good times.8:47 PM Jul 13th from web

• I had to use a motorized cart at the grocery store. I raced an elderly lady… she won. She even came back & offered to help push me.4:01 PM Jul 13th from web

• As long as I laid perfectly still & didn’t move, the pain would go away.” Nurse: “Sounds just like my honeymoon.” “Wha-what?” “Nothing.”9:20 AM Jul 13th from web

• Going to the hospital again in the morning… I now have my own VIP parking space & designer gowns.9:09 PM Jul 12th from web
• Do you want the Gucci gown or the Doche Gabana hospital gown?” “Definitely, the Doche Gabana gown.” “Good choice, sir–let me measure you.”7:45 AM Jul 13th from web

• Is this the end of the line of The Biggest Loser auditions? “What’s that supposed to mean!?!” Uh… nothing… just wondering.11:48 AM Jul 11th from web
• I went to a combo gas station/McDonalds. The Big Mac kept changing it’s price every 30 minutes. $1.00, $2.20, $4.50, $1.00.10:43 AM Jul 11th from web

• “Sir, here is your free Chik Fil-A because you are dressed as a cow today.” “I’m not dressed as a cow!” “Oh… my mistake, sir.”10:18 AM Jul 10th from web

• Guy in line at McDonalds:” I want some suhweet tay to drank.” “What is suhweet tay?” “Suhweet tay, you know, like to drank sumptin’.”6:24 PM Jul 9th from web

• I eagerly await the premier of the new Sonic guys commercial. I camped beside my TV all night long.10:12 AM Jul 9th from web

• Chi:9,000 lbs Chinese food was spilled onto tollway. Problem with spilling Chinese food on tollway is an hour later U have to spill it again10:36 AM Jul 8th from web

• Nurse gave me a Barium milkshake to drink… I asked her to Super Size It & add a burger&fries… she just stared at me… I took the drink.10:24 PM Jul 7th from web

• Cat scan done… They didn’t find any cats, but I now purr when I am happy… Purr!9:20 AM Jul 7th from txt

• At lunch, I am going to have Italian food today… I just ordered some anti pasta and some anti tea.11:03 AM Jul 6th from web

• I have ANOTHER Doctor’s appointment tomorrow… whenever I arrive, everyone shouts out, “NORM!”7:38 PM Jul 5th from web
• The City of Pleasanton, Texas reached 107 degrees today, and they officially changed their name to Miserableton, Tx.5:08 PM Jul 5th from web

• I was disappointed in yesterday’s fireworks. It looked too familiar… I think they ran a rerun from last year.3:37 PM Jul 5th from web

• It was so hot today, that I was sweating buckets… but no more! I just bought a shirt made out of the Super Sham Wow!2:32 PM Jul 2nd from web

• Cheating Governors… there’s now an app for that on my iPhone.9:50 AM Jul 2nd from web

• Guy complaining in line that ICE AGE 3 is wrong-dinosaurs weren’t there after Ice Age. I reminded him its a CARTOON, they don’t talk either!7:40 PM Jul 1st from web

• This weekend, as a single guy, I will be celebrating Independence Day… what will you married people be celebrating this weekend?6:53 AM Jul 1st from web

• “Hi, are you here for the Biggest Loser auditions.” No. “Are you sure?” Yes. “Umm, okay… sure you don’t want to try out?” No. “Ohh-kayyy.”5:08 PM Jun 30th from web

• My fortune cookie said: “You will soon be eating a stale cookie after reading something stupid & meaningless.” It was TRUE! Spooky.9:01 PM Jun 28th from web

• My doctors says I need 3 square meals a day… so today I will have waffles, a pop tart, and some Cheese-Its… they are square.1:44 PM Jun 22nd from web
• I decided to buy a pair of pants 10x my size, just so I could take a picture of me in them while stretching it out… to impress others.11:02 AM Jun 22nd from web

• Do they make Spanx for the chins?4:57 PM Jun 17th from web

• It was so hot today, it started to mess with ladies’ makeup at the mall… they all looked like a painting by Picasso.6:42 PM Jun 15th from web
• It was so hot today that when I rebuked the devil, he said: “Fine, it’s too hot around here anyways.”5:13 PM Jun 15th from web

• Conversation over lunch, guy kept saying, “You know?” No, I did not know…1:34 PM Jun 12th from web

• Apple introduced new iGirlfriend 3.0… it costs a lot and it requires a 2 year commitment & penalty for early termination.7:54 AM Jun 12th from web

• Lady sues CRUNCH BERRY, because they R not real berries. I sued FrankenBerry & Count Chocula… they’re not real monsters!1:37 PM Jun 10th from web
• I had some chicken last night… it tasted like rattlesnake.9:36 AM Jun 10th from web

• I just got a discount generic bumper sticker at Walmart… it just says, “Bumper Sticker”7:02 PM Jun 8th from web

• I was watching a demonstration at store, when guy next to me says, “THAT’S what I am talking about!” He never said a word before that.11:07 AM Jun 8th from web

• I can’t remember… what’s the name of the Dave Matthew’s band?7:58 AM Jun 5th from web

• I got my hurricane preparedness package today… 4 D batteries, a cell phone, and 12 boxes of twinkies… I am all set.3:34 PM Jun 4th from web
• Chocolate Coma–They say chocolate make the same feelings in humans that love does… All I know, is that I am now engaged to chocolate cake1:20 PM Jun 4th from web

• I was talking 2 a friend on the phone when he suddenly said, “NOW you’re talking!” I wasn’t sure what I was doing prior that statement12:13 PM Jun 4th from web
• Little known fact: Chocolate cake consumed on your birthday has no calories!12:01 PM Jun 4th from web
• I was on TV last night for a few minutes… I needed the extra lift to get to some cob webs on the ceiling.9:45 AM Jun 4th from web

• I ran into a guy at the mall who stuttered AND had Tourette’s… it took him awhile to curse me out… so, I waited.10:19 AM Jun 3rd from web

• Co. selling Hummer to Chinese company. The problem with Chinese Hummer is an hour later you have to buy another Hummer.3:23 PM Jun 2nd from web
• I got a Charley Horse muscle cramp in my bad leg when walking through the mall… I did get 3rd place in a Dance contest that was going on.3:18 PM Jun 2nd from web
• At church, I like to wait for the little waste basket that people pass around to discard my old gum in.1:50 PM Jun 2nd from web

• GM (Government Motors) announced a new green car, The Obama GT. It doesn’t take gas, or run at all, but it does take your money.11:36 AM Jun 2nd from web
• I got a salad with eggs, bacon bits, pasta, more cheese, croutons, chicken, tons of dressing, and uh… oh, I forgot the lettuce… oh well.10:58 AM Jun 2nd from web

• Thousands flocked to the site of where a man says he saw Jesus in a book. This unidentified book is a collection of 66 smaller books. Weird.11:22 AM May 29th from web
• I was at the mall & tried on some great smelling cologne, when a clerk approached & said, “Sir! That perfume is for DOGS!” I growled at her.8:43 PM May 28th from web
• Does a whale ever say, “Does this blubber make me look fat?”8:16 PM May 28th from web
• I was at Sea Island today, but as I was getting my food, it was hijacked by Somalian pirates… I had to settle for a hushpuppy.4:24 PM May 28th from web
• I am not saying that my last date was very robotic, but she kept saying, “Must find Sarah Conner!” I will not be back…6:54 PM May 27th from web

• How do swear jars work? Do you just put the jar over your mouth and let loose?2:24 PM May 27th from web

• Someone at Gitmo was about to be waterboarded, but SAWS water police showed up & gave them a fine… it was not their designated day to waterboard.2:45 PM May 26th from web

• Being in a hospital for about a year, really affects your dating life.10:35 AM May 26th from web
• On rainy nights, I like to play a CD of a rainy night… it’s more realistic than the actual storm.1:39 AM May 26th from web

• My GPS is stuck in Spanish, what does “estúpidos incorrectos dan vuelta alrededor” mean… I think it means I’m almost there.5:14 PM May 25th from web

• I have too much to do today! Let’s see, nap, cat nap, power nap, resting my eyes, sleeping it off, passed out, dozing off… too much to do!11:48 AM May 25th from web

• I am wearing my new T-shirt today: “Don’t talk to my face, save it for my Facebook!”12:18 PM May 23rd from web

• I saw Snoop Doggy Dog going to visit Michael Vick today at his house… this is not going to end up well.10:37 AM May 21st from web

• I’m hungry… is there an ap for that?7:40 PM May 19th from web
• The “You Can Sing the Phonebook” finals on American Idol is tonight. The guys will sing random phone #’s from their hometown.6:33 PM May 19th from web

• Going to Alamo City Roller Girls event w/female friends.There was fightin, clawin, scratchin, & yellin’.And that was ON the way to the event12:40 PM May 17th from web
• Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s helmet of hair has inspired a line of shampoos & conditioners, Suggested brandname:”Gee, Your Hair Looks Ridiculous!”5:20 AM May 17th from web

• I went to Salvidor Dali’s old neighborhood. I had no idea that he actually was a REALISTIC painter. Everything is melting in his hood.3:38 PM May 15th from web
• I went through one of them red light traffic cameras and I received a letter in the mail saying that my clothes are out of fashion.3:02 PM May 15th from web
• I got a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt. I was walking on foot around the park at the time.6:27 AM May 15th from web

• Daydreaming. Tracy is a fan. Become a fan.7:31 AM May 14th from web

• In Tx, Governor’s race w/Perry&Hutchinson are close in polls. I am waiting for the swimsuit competition before I make up my mind.9:45 AM May 13th from web

• How long after a nap is taking a nap too soon?5:26 PM May 10th from web
• Nap. Tracy is a fan of Nap. Become a fan.3:44 PM May 10th from web

• People usually have photos of their loved ones at work to remind them of what they truly love. I have a photo of myself sleeping in my bed.9:22 PM May 6th from web

• I better hurry up and get my nap in before I go to sleep tonight.6:14 PM May 6th from web

• Fox is suing Bollywood for making an Indian version of MY COUSIN VINNY. Not sure if the title will be MY SLUMDOG VINNY THE LAWYER.8:25 AM May 6th from web

• A red light traffic camera sent me a note in the mail to clean up my back seat.11:25 AM May 4th from web

• The airline charged me extra today for being overweight. Which is weird, because I wasn’t even flying today.9:35 AM May 4th from web
• I’m making some extra bucks by selling ad space on the front of swine flu masks. Right now, I sold space to Air Mexico & Piggly Wiggly.1:29 AM May 4th from web
• My travel agent messed up & booked me on the ALL PETS ONLY airline. I was so upset that I ordered extra Kibble n’Bits for my dinner.1:44 PM May 3rd from web
• I went to my doctor’s office to check for swine flu. Doctor tells me to open my mouth and say “Squeallllll!”7:30 AM May 1st from web

• “Yea, dating is getting to know you better , but I already read your Facebook profile and there is no need for me to go out with you now.”4:43 PM Apr 30th from web

• They say to wash your hands long enough to sing the Alphabet Song, or Happy Birthday twice… I sing the Funky Cole Medina song myself.8:26 AM Apr 30th from web

• I was watching the Spurs play and they were about to make a basket but they were hijacked by Somalian Pirates, who took away their ball.11:27 PM Apr 25th from web

• I saw a sign at Target that said:”These items proudly made in the USA”. In fine print at the edge of the sign it said:”Sign Made in Vietnam”2:44 PM Apr 25th from web

• Will they ever do a remake of the TV series, “Pink Lady and Jeff?” I missed it the first time around.9:19 AM Apr 24th from web

• I went to a book signing today by a famous author. Since I only have a kindle book reader, I had her sign the screen with a marker.10:20 PM Apr 22nd from web

• Do they make Spanx for men?6:05 PM Apr 21st from web

• At the Fiesta Tamale Fest eating contest, I came in 3rd. I didn’t even know there WAS a contest… I just like eating tamales. Viva Fiesta!5:07 PM Apr 20th from web

• At friend’s house to see their new baby. After holding her, I put her down in the corner. Parents screamed:”Nobody puts baby in the corner!”4:09 PM Apr 19th from web

• Texas might secede from the Union. If Mexico attacks us and wins, will we become Texico? North Mexico? New New Mexico?11:29 AM Apr 19th from TweetDeck

• I went to pay for my Fiesta taco with a credit card. Lady checked it & said:”I’m sorry, your Facebook updates are just too stupid. Declined”10:46 PM Apr 18th from web

• I went to the bank to cash a check. They wanted ID, took my finger prints, a blood test, heart check, and asked me walk a straight line.10:27 PM Apr 18th from web

• (body shaking) Need more Cadbury Creme Eggs! (rubbing arms) Anyone have any left over Cadbury Creme Eggs? Please? I can stop at any time.7:20 AM Apr 18th from web

• My iPod Touch told me to knock it off. We are just friends.2:41 PM Apr 16th from web

• I just updated all of my online passwords to: “Again.” I kept receiving the message: “Wrong Password, Try Again.”11:39 AM Apr 16th from web

• Priceline just got me a cheap vacation package for just pennies. I’m headed out to Somalia on a cruise tomorrow morning.11:16 AM Apr 16th from web

• I upgraded my iPhone to the zzzzzzPhone. It just sits there and doesn’t ring.4:47 PM Apr 15th from TweetDeck

• I woke up so gassy this morning that OPEC knocked on my door and gave me a reasonable offer. I’m taking it.9:16 AM Apr 15th from TweetDeck

• On the next “You Can Sing the Phonebook” on American Idol, contestants will sing their hometown phonebook, but just the addresses. 123 Main!6:37 PM Apr 14th from web

• Sign outside of H&R Block: “Taxes done now with no trans-fats!”7:07 PM Apr 13th from web
• My password on online services is always: “ANOTHER.” I got tired of receiving the message: “Wrong Password choose another.”6:10 PM Apr 13th from web

• They say to put milk & butter into your Kraft Mac&Cheese. If I could afford the butter&the milk in the first place, I wouldn’t do the Mac&Ch2:13 PM Apr 13th from web

• What if you don’t have any hamburger for your Hamburger Helper? Do they have a Hamburger Helper Helper?2:10 PM Apr 13th from web

• So what do you do if you are dating someone and after a date they suddenly change their online status to: Very, VERY Single as of right now!3:29 PM Apr 12th from TweetDeck

• Overheard: “When I saw that, my head literally exploded.” Really? Your head is doing pretty good for having just recently exploded.1:12 PM Apr 11th from TweetDeck

• My bottled water says, “Now with NO trans-fats!”8:19 AM Apr 11th from TweetDeck

• Calories only exist on foods that you eat with a fork. Therefore, I eat everything with my fingers. Mmmm…. steak….5:21 PM Apr 10th from web

• My pet rock ran away today. I’m putting up signs. Reward.3:21 PM Apr 10th from web

• Budweiser is no longer the best-selling beer in the world. It is now SNOW from China. Problem is an hour later you have to drink more beer10:33 AM Apr 10th from web

• After I filed my taxes under ‘single’ status again this year, the IRS sent me a letter to “meet somebody already!”6:51 AM Apr 9th from web

• In South Africa, termites are roasted & eaten by the handful, like popcorn. I think Northwoods Theatres accidently served me termites. Yum!!3:17 PM Apr 7th from TweetDeck
• Twitter down for 1hr. I had to go to strangers. “I’m doing laundry.” I see sir I am with you. “I’m putting in soap now” Gitawayfromme, sir!8:39 PM Apr 6th from TweetDeck

• My new phone knows where I am & how to get where I am going, responds to my touch & voice, and entertaining. I might just start dating it!8:58 AM Apr 4th from web

• Fast & Furious today. Car crashes, cars speeding, fights over cars, explosions. And that was just on the way to see the movie!12:06 PM Apr 3rd from web

• To help with the automobile’s bailout, Obama fired the CEO of GM. Today, he is expected to fire the CEOs of Tonka Trucks & Matchbook Cars.7:37 AM Apr 3rd from web

• I bought a bootleg copy of Slumdog Millionaire. It turns out it was Slumdog Wheel of Fortune about a slacker in Los Angeles who buys a vowel6:55 AM Apr 3rd from web

• “You can sing the phonebook” next week on American Idol. Contestants will sing their hometown’s phonebook. “John Smith…555-13133333333!!!”6:46 AM Apr 2nd from web

• Storms took down the electricity. I am now obligated to eat 2 gallons of ice cream very quickly. I don’t have any now but I will go buy some2:37 PM Mar 26th from web

• Twitter shuts down fake Austin Police Dept site. I was wondering why my twitter kept asking me to pull over.3:22 PM Mar 23rd from web

• Chinese drywall is ruining American homes. The trouble with Chinese drywall is an hour later, you have to do some more drywall.11:34 AM Mar 22nd from web

• American Idol Trading Cards. “I will give you two of my Ruebans for one of your Carrie Underwood’s. Oh man! I can’t get rid of my Sanjanya!”1:10 PM Mar 18th from web

• On COPS, a officer tells a drunk to recite the alphabet without singing. I tried it and I just can’t do it without breaking out into song.11:12 AM Mar 18th from web

RETWEETING PIRATES IN THE REDLIGHT DISTRICT
(C)2009 by Tracy Young http://www.tracyyoung.tv

Forget the Valleys, I Want Green Pastures!

“Tracy Young, a man enjoying his life, now barely alive. We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to perform a lot of surgeries and to pray for him. We can make him better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster. We will spend over six million dollars on him over eight long months.

During those eight months, his faith will be tested many times. His Church will gather together with Earth-shaking power and prayers. His friends will bond together during these visits in the Valley of the Shadow of Death.”

I do not mind going through the Death Valleys, but I would like to spend more time resting peacefully next to the still waters. I understand that time is needed there to learn, grow and to shape my destiny. I just want some vacation time in the green pastures for a little while longer. I promise that I will go back into the dark valley and have my dinner that was prepared for me in front of my enemies. I do not want my food to become cold. No one wants a cold, prepared dinner, especially before enemies. Why, they would laugh and point their callous fingers at me.

There were times in a hospital bed when I would become scared. However, I would not fear the evil that was attacking my body. God comforted me! Goodness and mercy would follow me all the days of my life! I was going to dwell in the house of the LORD Forever! (Taken from Psalm 23)

Real miracles happen instantly. I have prayed over people and saw them healed immediately. I have watched prayer warriors speaking to various illnesses or ailments and viewed the instant miracles in their lives. So, why did it take me eight months, multiple life-saving surgeries and countless hours in therapy relearning how to stand, walk and talk?

Jesus and His disciples would pray and the miracles would just happen.

“And Jesus went about all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all kinds of sickness and all kinds of disease among the people.” (Matthew 4:22-24 NKJV)

I had prayer teams all across America praying powerful prayers over me, and they believed with their whole heart that I would just jump out of bed and do a jig. However, I remained in the valley without dancing.

Even though a miracle might happen all of a sudden, ‘healings’ are a process. Healings will take time, maybe even years. Even now, my body is still healing, but I am a living miracle. I had numerous problems in my body. I had most of my vital organs shut down and I was too weak for the surgeons to do everything that they needed to do in any one session.

Slowly, several miracles started to happen. My organs slowly started working again, one by one. It was a miracle each time that an organ decided to perform their job. Each surgery was life-threatening and a long shot, but a miracle happened each time. The healing process may have taken the long way around in the dark valley, but I WAS healed! If your healing is taking awhile for you, please don’t despair. Keep your faith. Remember, even faith as small as a mustard seed will comfort you during your walk.

During my hospital stay, I still prayed for others, including healings. My pain did not stop me. I sowed my healing into the healings of others. I comforted many that came to comfort me in my bed. You WILL reap what you sow into others. With the same measure you use on others, it will be used with the same amount back to you. So, start praying for others as well as for yourself!

“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Luke 6:38 NIV)

Many people, who had their own difficulties with their health, would pass along powerful wisdom to me. They told me their own testimonies with healing and miracles. Some were in the valley for a short time, some longer, and a few were still in it.

“All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.” (2 Corinthians 1:2-4 MSG)

They all told me to read all of the healing scriptures and to recite it out loud with authority. Since I could not talk with tubes in my mouth, a friend set up a CD player that played healing scriptures on a continuous loop. It played while I was in a coma and all of the way through my physical therapy. Those scriptures were engrained into my head and into my spirit. I believed them. Even if I were to have died, I would have breathed my last breath still believing in those scriptures. Keep praying for yourself and for others.

“Stretch out your hand with healing power; may miraculous signs and wonders be done through the name of your holy servant Jesus.” (Acts 4:30 NLT)

Yes, we all have to go through those dark valleys, but your Shepherd will restore your soul, comfort you, lead you, anoint you with oil and give you all that you need so that your cup runs over.

“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.” (Psalm 23:6 NKJV)

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FORGET THE VALLEYS, I WANT GREEN PASTURES
(C) 2009 by Tracy Young http://www.tracyyoung.tv

Don’t Give Me Christian Jargon

I did NOT hear the following Christian jagon in the hospital from my friends & family:

“Don’t worry about your pain, God has a plan.”

“God will make a way out of no way.”

“When God puts you on hold, don’t hang up.”

“When God closes a door, he will open a window.”

“IF it is Your will, God let Tracy live.”

INSTEAD: They prayed everyday for eight long, long, long months that I would not just live, but live life abundantly, WALK again, TALK again, and serve God again. They demanded repayment for everything that was stolen from me… and they rejoiced when I WALKED out of the hospital.

They didn’t give me jargon, they gave bold, life-changing, prayer-believing declarations. Get some good God-loving friends into YOUR life, and when it gets dark, God AND your friends will never leave your side and will believe the best will come!

When you are in the dark valleys, Christian Jargon does not comfort those that hurt. They irritate and do more harm. Even if the jargon is correct, those going through a dark valley want you more than your empty words. Instead of meaningless jargon, pray life into the valley. Your actions mean more at that time than your words.

Don’t go into a hospital room if you do not have faith. Pray that God will give you faith first. Pray boldly even if it is to their dying breath.

Give yourself and leave the jargon at church… or even better, leave it entirely.

Acting is Dangerous to Your Health

My first appearance after my eight-month long hospital stay was at my local church. Several church leaders were concerned for me that day. They were afraid that I was going get rushed upon by several parishioners wanting to say hello.

I had bodyguards assigned to protect me from any unruly church members who may want to hug me a little too long. Leaders were afraid of my frail state and that my immunities were still weak. It was suggested to me to reach my arm out to try to prevent them from hugging. That did not work. I would put my hand out to shake it with someone and then endure that awkward moment where they would still hug me with my hand out. The outstretched hand would then have to give a friendly pat on the back or that person would never let me go. I was accosted by several good-intentioned people who would suffocate me in their armpits and then beat upon my back. Even those who would shake my hands, would still hug me at the same time.

My bodyguards just watched beside me. It’s a good thing they were there; otherwise I might have been attacked by another smiling lady shouting, “Hallelujah! You are a miracle, do you know that?” “Yes, I do.” “NO! You are a miracle!” “Yes, I am.” “NO! Do you really, really know that?” “Yes, I do.” This interchange would go on until another lady would grab me.

One of those smiling people was an actor that I had worked with before. He was directing a new movie and wanted me to do a cameo in it. It would be my first film since I got out of the hospital. Even though I still needed a cane to walk, I was determined to do the scene without it.

A month later came and my scene was ready to shoot. This was an independent production and you could tell by the fact that the director’s wife arrived to pick me up. I must say that I have never had the director or the director’s wife pick me up for a movie shoot before.  I felt special. I rode along with the small children of the director to the airport, where our scene was to be shot.

I walked into the area in the busy airport where the actors were to meet. When you work on major films, you can easily recognize the main actors; however on an independent film, you do not know who anybody is. The other actors see this frail guy walking up to them with a cane and they are wondering if I am going to ask for a handout. Instead, I tried to break the ice with some levity. “Where’s my trailer?” I shouted out forcefully. Apparently, I did not put enough sarcasm into my voice as they took me seriously. I am an actor after all, so I made it seem real. They did not know my sense of humor, so immediately I made everyone feel uncomfortable.

We sat in the airport chairs for our makeup. I watched her put everyone’s makeup on, except for mine. I never did get any makeup. I had done films before without any makeup, so I figured they wanted me “AS IS.” They did not want to cover up the natural beauty, I tried to convince myself. I went over my three lines with the two page portion of the script that they allowed me to have. I was to portray a Guardian Angel, but I had no idea what the film was about. I did know my three lines. There are no small parts, just small actors… however; EVERY actor still knows how many lines they have. It is part of our breeding.

In my scene, I was to run across the airport. I still needed a cane to get by, but I had practiced all day without it. The director told me to just do it with the cane. That is how I became a Guardian Angel with a cane. Don’t all Angels have them?

All of the airport authorities knew we were there and they also knew that we had two actors who were portraying police officers during a fight scene. Even though their costumes did not fit properly, they were still asked questions by airport travelers. They had to shoot the film around real people, as they were not allowed to shut the entire airport down.

This scene has the main actor acting peculiarly and then is confronted by an actor portraying a police officer, who draws his gun. Another officer comes into the scene as backup, with his gun drawn. They shout for the main actor to get down on the ground. During the first take, a REAL police officer pulled HIS gun and told EVERYONE to get down on the ground. He apparently was not at the meeting and did not comprehend all the cameras, lights, boom mikes, etc. He was VERY close to shooting the actors! All cameras were rolling and I hope that footage will make the DVD release.

I spent eight months in a hospital… released a few weeks… and then almost killed while acting! During all of the remaining takes, the director would shout out in a sing-song fashion, “Standby for the ACTORS who are ACTING in this scene…. ACTING! PRETEND! Don’t shoot us!”

I asked for hazard pay. I can’t fall to the ground! I would never get back up! I may have been mistaken for someone who is threatening the officer by still standing… and I had a big, black stick in my hands! “Hey officer! Let me limp over to you very slowly and timidly hit you with my cane!” “Freeze, sucka!”

I had two scenes that day, but I later found out that the actors that I did the first scene in were all wearing the wrong clothes from a different scene.  That is one scene that will not make the film, as they only had the Airport permit for that day. We will see if the mystery of the cane-walking Angel makes the final cut of the film or not. Either way, it was fun to get back on the horse again after lying in a bed for most of the year. Independent Films are usually more interesting and fun to work on than the mainstream ones… I tried to convince myself.

It’s true, though… if you do not get shot in the process!

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ACTING IS DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH

(C) 2009 by Tracy Young http://www.tracyyoung.tv

Restless Nights

At this point, I had been in the hospital for five months. I did not know that there would be three more to go. Briefly, I was at a Rehab hospital but now I was back at the original place of my ordeal.

I would be in surgery the next day… again. Instead of my usual room in the ICU, I was on the opposite wall of the hospital. They were glass walls and if I would squint, I could look past the nurse’s station and see the ICU. I could see my regular room. That room where so many of my friends would come to pray for me, to talk to me, and to give me encouragement. That was the room where I did not know what God had in mind for me. That was the room where I did not know if I were to live or die. That was the room where God comforted me through the pain.

During that time, people had put up blank poster boards on the walls. Friends who visited would leave various Scriptures and quotations on them. The posters were right across from my bed at my eye line and I would meditate on those words of wisdom. I did not recognize all of the people on those posters. Some came down to visit even though I did not remember them. Some said that they had never visited anyone in a hospital before but something drew them to my room. Many times, I would catch nurses reading those posters with different reactions. I was not supposed to live. Anyone with a little medical knowledge knew that the odds were against me. Those nurses remembered the words on my wall.

My friend Joey wrote “Warrior” on my wall. There I was, unable to move, unable to talk, unable to eat nor able to lift my hands. “Warrior,” I would say to myself over and over again. I had no strength in my body, but I knew that I was a warrior, ready for a fight. That fight would be for my life.

As I lay in my room, I was hungry. My stomach was talking angrily with me. I would not be able to eat anything until after the surgery. I would not be able to actually eat for another two months, enduring hospital milkshakes through a hole in my stomach.

I should be asleep for my big day in the operating room. Pain raced through my body. I felt around for the tube that contained the nurse’s call button. It had fallen from my bed and was out of reach. I could not talk or make any sounds. My thoughts turned to prayer, but I had no words to pray at this time. Usually during these times, I would just pray in tongues inside of my head.

However, the pain took my energy away from me. I wondered if I would ever get out of the hospital. I wondered if I would ever speak again. I thought about those nice long walks at the Guadalupe River. I wondered if I would ever write again. I wondered if I would ever pray for people again. My eyes started to tear up and I started to sob. My body started shaking from the emotions. The room became blurry to my eyes as they overflowed. I had been strong when the nurses said that I may not survive. I was a rock during those first few surgeries. I was a warrior when I started to drift away on that operating table. Except here, I started to fall apart. I was tired.

I was tired of all those hourly shots to test my sugar levels. I was tired of those three in the morning blood withdrawals in my arm. I was tired of not being able to communicate with anyone around me. I was tired of the constant pain. It was exhausting for me.

I thought about all of those people who prayed for me the last few months. They would even come down to the hospital waiting room when they were not allowed in. I wondered if I would have done the same thing for them. Honestly, I did not think that I would have.

I started to thank God for those people. Everyone that came to mind would have a short prayer lifted up for them. I asked God to return the blessings to them. People’s faces kept popping in my head and each time that it would, I would pray for them. I prayed for those people who gave blood in my name. I prayed for those people who took care of my house while I was in the hospital. I sang praises about those who took care of my finances and legal documents. I shouted for joy thinking about those who gave out email updates on my progress. I cheered when I thought about people all across the country that was praying for me. Other churches in other states were praying for me. How is that normal?

Even though I remained in that hospital bed with pain running through my body, I felt calmness in my room. I could feel the Spirit of God comforting me in that room. My eyes still remained blurry, but I felt my lips taking the shape of a smile. Smiling before a surgery? Had I lost my mind? Was I sleep-depraved?

A nurse entered my room and turned on a light. It must be time for my three o’clock blood-letting. “Sir, I need to see your arm.” I raised my right arm up towards her. She took it and started to rub alcohol over it. “Mr. Young, are you crying? Are you in pain? Do you want me to give you something, Mr. Young?”

I could barely talk but I gave it a try. I whispered, “Can I pray for you?”

She chuckled, “Pray for ME? Why, I should be the one praying for you!”

“Please?” I asked.

She looked puzzled and stopped rubbing my arm. “Okay, go ahead.”

“Lord, thank you for this wonderful lady. Thank you for giving her a great gift and talent. Thank You for bringing her into my life and helping me right at this time. I know that You have picked out blessed people to take care of me and it is no accident that she is here with me today. So, bless her and give her unwarranted favor in her career and shower her with love from her friends and family. I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

“Uh, Amen,” she said. “Well, I just have one thing to say to that.”

I asked, “What’s that?”

“Hold your arm steady.” She then poked my arm with a needle and gathered up blood.

“Ouch,” I exclaimed. She had taken me by surprise.

“All done,” she said as she put a bandage on my arm. “See you in two hours. Get some sleep.” She turned out the light and walked out of my room.

Somehow, I thought it would have turned out differently. I rubbed my eyes to dry them. I stared at the blank walls.

My posters did not make this current trip. I tried to remember some of the quotations. “Warrior,” I said to myself. “Thank you, Lord.”

At the glass doorway, the nurse appeared. “Uh… well… uh, thanks.” She turned and walked away from sight.

I smiled. “Thank you, Lord. Thank you.”

I covered myself up with a sheet.

“This warrior is going to be okay.” I went to sleep.

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(C) 2009 by Tracy Young http://www.tracyyoung.tv