Long Silent Weekend

The ground moves as though there was a earthquake. I am awakened. My thoughts start to come together. I remember. My bed is still wet from crying all night. The third night in a row. Another wave starts to form in my body. It makes it way from my head, going through my shoulders, pressing through my stomach, and finally down to my small toes. My chin is quivering. My eyes sting. I can’t shake my thoughts! My cheeks are sore, so I trying rubbing them. No relief.

My sin. I keep replaying my sin over and over and over. I violently shake my head, trying to rattle the thoughts away. I harshly pull my hair back from my eyes, keeping my hands behind my head for a long time.

My sin is still there. Flashes of what happened three days ago appear. I get up and scream as loud as I can. I pace back and forth, trying to scream my thoughts away!

I fall back to the ground. I have sinned against my Lord. My heart denied him. After spending all my time with the Lord these couple of years, seeing miracles, life-changing moments, people being healed… I end up rejecting Him. I thought I would fight the world for Him… but I end up rejecting Him. Another wave flows through my body. I am exhausted. I am slowly dying.

I think of our leadership team. I thought I was better than them. I would feel superior to them. Bickering over things that seemed so important at the time. It was all a waste of time, when I think of what is going on right now. Why couldn’t we work better together? I wonder how they are feeling right now. I try to rub the sting out my eyes. They ARE good people. We DID do a lot of good together… lots of fruit. Does anything at all matter now?

All this time with the Lord… was it a waste of time? Why is God silent? Why does He not speak? I look up towards the sky. God! I need you now! More silence. The silence get louder by the moment. I cover my ears, to try to drown out the deafening silence. I bury my head into the ground. I am slowly dying.

I start to speak, but the words don’t form clearly. I softly say, “Forgive me, Lord.”

Silence.

I stay in the same position for the hour.

I realize that John is with me. He is going through his own trial at the moment. I can’t comfort him. I don’t know what to say. We sit in silence.

Silence.

Mary rushes through the front door. She is out of breath but is still talking rapidly. I can not make out her words. John gets up and goes to her. He is also trying to make out what she is saying. Mary falls to the ground. John is kneeling beside her. He puts his arms around her. I stay where I am… my heart is racing. My spirit is moving inside me. What is she saying!? Tears form again in my eyes. I think to myself, ‘Speak woman! Speak! Break this silence!’

Mary’s body is convulsing… she is weeping. John puts his ears towards her lips. “What do you mean the Lord is gone?”

I think to myself, ‘The Lord is gone?!’ Another wave starts to form inside my body. My stomach is in knots.

Mary looks toward me. I can barely see her though my tears. I am frozen. She softly says, “I don’t know where they have taken the Lord’s body.” No one moves.

Suddenly, I rush out the door, running faster that I have ever run in my life. My heart is pounding. I run. I run. I run.

A flash appears. I am startled but I keep running. I realize that I see the back of John’s head. He had run past me. We run. We run. We run.

We get closer to the tomb. Up ahead, I can see John arriving. He doesn’t go in. He just peeks inside. He looks back to me. My heart pounds louder. What does he see? What is in there? I can’t read his face. I get there and immediately rush inside the tomb, past John.

I see linen wrappings… empty linen wrappings. I am still trying to catch my breath. I fall to the ground and grab the wrappings into my hands. I knew they were empty, but I just had to touch them. I hold the linens to my heart, rocking back and forth. John slowly comes inside. John quietly says, “He has risen, as He said he would.” I keep rocking back and forth. John puts his hand on my shoulder. I keep rocking. “Let’s go home, Peter.”

We walk home. We walk in silence. Too many thoughts. I go home and I sit. Day turns to night. Most of the other leadership team arrive. We lock the doors. We don’t want them to kill us too.

Suddenly, Jesus appears. “Peace be with you.” The place immediately goes from depressed to total joy. Jesus holds out his hands and reveals his side. “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you. Receive the Holy Spirit.” Everyone is joyful. I keep back. I sinned against Jesus. As the other celebrate around him, I remain towards the wall. Jesus’ eyes look towards me. He smiles! My heart pounds. Then Jesus is gone! He had smiled towards me.

He SMILED. I ponder this. Finally, I get up and announce, “I am going fishing!” The others shrug their shoulders and say that they will tag along. I feel a little rusty. I haven’t done this in awhile. I quickly get into my old routine. Thoughts enter my head. Plenty of time for thoughts when you are fishing… especially if you are not catching one single thing. Why did I stay back when Jesus appeared? I love him so much, but I still stayed back. I ponder. I ponder. I ponder.

Enough with this fishing! We haven’t caught anything. Someone from the shore asks us if we caught anything. Just rub it in, why don’t you? The man asks us to try the right side. We do, and we catch a whole bunch of fish! Wait a moment… this seems familiar to me. John figures it out and shouts, “It is the Lord!” My heart awakens! I immediately jump into the water and swim towards my Lord… I am not holding back anymore!

Jesus asks me if I love him. I quietly state, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” “Then feed my Lambs… Peter, do you love me?” I am taken aback… “Yes, Lord… you know that I love you.” “Then take care of my sheep… Peter, do you love me?” My heart sinks… “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.” “Then feed my sheep.”

My heart was okay. The silence was over. Jesus spoke words into my life. Jesus had forgiven me of my sins. The long, silent weekend is over.

THE LONG SILENT WEEKEND

John 20-21
(C) 2006 Tracy Young