No Singles are Allowed in Our Church

I was on vacation and feeling relaxed. It would be six more relaxing days until I returned to the working class. The only problem about being out of town is trying to pick a decent church while you are there.

After flipping through the Yellow Pages, I picked a church based on lots of prayers and prophetic insights. Actually, I picked one with a nice big advertisement that featured illustrations of doves and happy people. I hoped that all of those doves would not mess with my freshly cleaned car. This Sunday morning, I was ready to meet with a bunch of happy people.

I arrived at this church and made sure that I did not park under a tree. I started to open my driver’s door when another car pulled in right beside me. I was startled and I quickly closed my door. A lady jumped out of the passenger side and with the hand that held her Bible, she showed me a rude gesture. In addition, I think she was speaking in tongues at me. She joined up with her husband and they held hands as they entered the church. They looked happy together. I took an extra moment before I opened my door again.

I walked inside the church building and I was met by a smiling man and his smiling wife. They welcomed me to their church.

The man spoke with cheerfulness, “Welcome to our church! I am Jake and this is my wife Marie. Is this your first visit here?”

I shook his hand and nodded at his wife.  “Thank you. I’m Tracy and this is my first time here. I found your church in the Yellow Pages.”

The man’s face lit up. “Why, that is marvelous! You will have to join us for lunch after church today. Is your wife here?”

At this point my face lit up. I was already hungry and was wondering where to go for lunch after the service. I replied, “Oh, I am not married, but I would love to join you for lunch.”

Suddenly the man’s face turned sour. He reached out and took his wife’s arm and pushed her slightly behind him. “Not married, you say? Well, we have this great Divorce Care ministry during the week that you should try out.”

“Oh… well, I have never been married,” I said. The man’s wife was almost completely behind him at this point. I wondered why he was trying to shield his wife from me. Did he think that all single men were out to get his wife?

The man looked stern. “Well, we do have this New Christian class that is on Monday nights.”

“I have been a Christian for over twenty years, but thank you.”

He asked, “You have never been married and you are not a new Christian?”

I nodded my head in agreement.

“Well, we believe what the Bible says,” he stated. “Uh… the part about how a man and a woman should be the only ones that marry. You know what I mean?” Jake kept looking at his feet.

I was not sure if this man was implying something. Without thinking about it, I made my voice go deeper. “I agree with that.” I tried to look manlier by discreetly flexing my muscles.  I asked myself why I cared what he thought about me?

The man smiled at his wife behind him. “Good! I’m glad we agree on the Bible. So, you’re a bachelor over thirty? Well, you still have time to fulfill God’s purpose.”

“Well… I am over forty…” I was interrupted before I could respond about God’s purpose.

“Jake, who’s this?” An elderly man stood beside Jake with a big grin.

Jake said, “Uh, this is Stacy and he is a single bachelor over forty, who has never been married.” I cringed at the comment and at the fact that he said my name wrong.  People who were passing by overheard the comment and they wrinkled their noses at me.  One mother grabbed her child and ran away from us.

The elderly man looked me up and down. “Well, we have a great New Christian class on Monday nights.”

I looked at him. “So, I’ve heard.”

Jake replied, “Terry says that he has been a Christian for twenty years.” Jake was getting closer to my actual name.

The elderly man said, “Well, we believe what the Bible says…”

I interrupted, “…that a man should leave his parents and cling to a woman?”

“Yes… yes. Good. We agree, then.”

I started to feel naked without a wedding ring on. This made me feel a little mischievous and I decided to play with my new friends. “So Jake, are we still having lunch after church? I just can’t wait to share a table with you and your friends. Thank you for inviting me.” I knew that Jake and his wife had no intentions of still having lunch with me and I just wanted to put them on the spot for a few moments.

The elderly man had a look of terror and he looked over at Jake and his wife. Jake looked like he just lost his breakfast.  I could no longer see the wife, hiding behind Jake.  “Yea, well about that… I guess we could invite old Emily to come along. She’s been single for the past fifty years.”

I put my hand on Jake’s shoulder. “Why Jake, you sly dog. Are you trying to set me up with old Emily?” I fluttered my eyelids.

Jake swallowed. “Uh, no! I was just thinking about how there would be a empty chair and we should fill it up.”

Jake’s wife spoke up.  I could see her hands gesturing behind her husband.  “You know, honey, we already made reservations and I don’t think we can change them this late.”

A big grin grew on Jake’s face. “You’re right, honey. Oh Timmy, I am sorry about that. Maybe you can go with us next time.”

I over exaggerated my look of disappointment. “Okay, but you better invite old Emily along. Being single and all, I bet we have a lot in common.” I already felt conviction from my little ruse, but it still didn’t stop me.

Jake chortled. “Heh… yea. We will do that. You have a nice service.” Jake grabbed his wife’s arm and they quickly disappeared into the crowd. Jake successfully kept his wife from harm’s way, by keeping his wife’s virtue away from the single man. I almost whistled at them, but I thought better of it.

“So you are on the prowl, young man?” I turned and noticed the elderly man was still by my side. “If I was twenty years younger, I would be too.” He laughed and slapped me on the back. I endured the pain and graciously laughed with him. “Don’t worry young man, you will find a nice woman in no time.”

“Thank you. I am not really looking right now. I am completely fine by myself.”

The man slapped me on the back again and laughed. “Heh, you keep telling yourself that, young man. You keep telling yourself that. I suppose that you are here to start looking for a little hanky panky?”

I had not heard the term before, but I gathered what it’s meaning was. “No sir, I am just here for a church service…”

The elderly man laughed some more. “Sure. All single kids are looking for a little hanky panky. Trust me and settle down quickly. You will enjoy life more with just one woman to take care of you.”

Instead of arguing with this man, I just nodded in agreement.  I was wondering if I should just go home.

The elderly man’s voice went serious as he asked, “Any kids yet?”

“No… I am single.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. Does everything work down there?” The elderly man looked downward at me and put his hand on my shoulder.

“Okay, this is too much for me,” my voice cracked. “I think I should go in and get a seat.”

“Okay, son. See you inside.” The elderly man winked at me and slapped me on the back again. He went inside the sanctuary doors.

I made my way towards the doors and was met by a greeter who handed me a church bulletin. I smiled and took the program. An usher saw me and then he put up two fingers like a peace sign. I put up one finger to let him know that I was by myself. The usher looked concerned and approached me.

“Are you here by yourself, sir?”

I answered, “Yes sir, by my little self.”

“Are you married?” The usher asked.

“Wha..? No, I am a straight, single man over forty years of age, with no children and I have never been married, ” I answered a little too harshly.

“Oh, you are a new Christian then?  There’s a class…”

I sternly interrupted, “…on Monday nights.  Yes, I heard about that.  No, I have been a Christian for over twenty years.”

The usher quietly said, “This way, please.”

We passed several rows of empty chairs. The usher took me to the far left of the sanctuary and towards the back row. There were two other men there and they were surrounded by a lot of empty chairs. On the opposite side of the church, I noticed three women sitting in the back row on that side. Numerous empty chairs also surrounded them. Meanwhile, everyone who had families or those with a spouse filed in towards the front.

I asked the usher, “I suppose this is the single man’s section and that on the opposite side is the single woman’s section?”

The usher raised an eyebrow.  “You are very quick to notice the single female’s section. Well, you will need to wait until after the service is over before you try anything.”

“Try anything?” I was shocked. “I’m not going to try anything.”

“Yea, not on my watch. I know all about you single types.”

“You know all about us? You keep us separated from the married people because you think we are going to steal their spouses away?”

“Not on my watch, sir. I know you single people are too busy with your all-night parties to read the Bible, but you should at least try to read what it says.”

“I read my Bible every single day! What does that have to do with me being a single person?”

“If you get married, you will have to start thinking about other people. Right now, you just think about yourself and your own selfish needs.”

“You don’t think that some married people are selfish?”

“When you get married, you are not out trying to get other women into your bedroom.”

“You don’t know some of the married people that I know. Being married never stopped them.”

“Married people are more spiritual than single people.”

“I don’t think that there’s evidence either way with that.”

“First Timothy chapter three says that only men with wives and well behaved children can lead in the church. You better get married quick if you ever want to lead around here.”

“I don’t think that it will be an issue here. However, I think you are taking that out of…”

“I am not going to listen to an heathen single man that refuses to do God’s Word and be married.”

“Paul was never married.”

“There’s some evidence that he may have been married.”

My cell phone started ringing.

“Single people don’t care about having their cell phones on during a church service. All married people make sure that their phones are turned off.”

“Why are you fighting with me? I don’t care if you are married or not. I think marriage is a wonderful thing. So is being single. They both have advantages and disadvantages.  Paul even mentioned that.”

“You are a heathen, you single man!” The usher spit when he said ’single’.

I was fumbling to get my cell phone to turn off. Suddenly, I sat up in bed. I was not inside the sanctuary in a church. I was not in the back row arguing with an usher.  I was in my bedroom at home.  My mind was slowly turning on.

The cell phone continued to ring. I moved the covers off of me and bent down to reach for the phone. I grabbed the power cord and pulled the cell phone towards me. It barely missed hitting me in the head. I dropped it into my lap and opened it.

“Hello?” My voice cracked. I rubbed my eyes.

“Hello, Tracy?” My grandmother’s voice sounded cheerful. “Did I wake you?”

“No, I’m fine.” I was slowly realizing that it was a bad dream. I was very grateful. “How are you today, Grandma?”

“Here and there. Tracy, did you find a good girl to marry yet?”

“Wha…!?”

“I just want to make sure that you are happy before I die.”

“Grandma, I am happy now.”

“You don’t sound happy. A good wife will make you happy and keep you in line.”

I was too tired to argue about this. “Yes, Grandma… I will find a good wife and be happy.”

“Now, was that so hard? Now call your mama and tell her the good news.”

I tried to pinch myself awake again. I was not sure if I was still asleep or not.

—-
NO SINGLES ARE ALLOWED IN OUR CHURCH
(C) 2007 Tracy Young – www.tracyyoung.tv
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