Clinched Teeth

I suddenly realized something today. It just came to me… I love God.

“Oh, pleeeese,” you might say with eyes rolled up. Hear me out. I knew I loved God. Now I know I LOVE God.

I didn’t get this when I was down on my knees in deep prayer. I didn’t get this while praising God with outstretched arms. I didn’t get this while receiving a last minute, desperately-needed check. I didn’t have Goosebumps. I didn’t feel all gooey inside.

I was upset and standing defiantly with clenched teeth, with a fist waving upwards at God. No Goosebumps around. My tongue had just completed a series of taunts and tirades that I had already regretted. My heart was still pounding and sweat was coming down my forehead.

I was angry at God, and He knew it. I was wrong before God and He knew it. I loved God and He knew it.

In the midst of my anger… in the midst of my tirade… God whispers to me, “I know that you love Me and you know that I love you. That will never change.”

That is not fighting fair! What comeback do you have for that?

I realized that I will always love God, no matter how I feel. Our relationship with each other was never in question. I may have been upset with Him, but I would never leave Him. I loved Him with my whole heart, my soul and all my being. It’s was right THEN… that I realized that I love God. THAT’S how I knew it.

It’s enough to make you angry at God! Why reveal that to me when I am angry?

If I was God, I would wait until I was in the middle of a great praise song, with tears dripping down my face. I might wait until after a forty day fast. I might wait until I had a perfect day with no problems whatsoever.

When you have a relationship with God or any loved-one and you have a disagreement, but the relationship itself is not in jeopardy… that’s when you know it is true love. When I love someone when everything is going perfect… that is not a great feat.

Loving someone on your honeymoon is expected. When it is thirty years and thirty pounds later and you are in the middle of a meaningless argument, but the relationship endures and is never in question… THAT’S real love. I can’t wait for that thirty pound heavier love! (Hmmm… keep that to myself).

Some may look at me with raised eyebrows and add a sneer to their voice, “You get angry at God? You call yourself a Christian?” God ALREADY knows that I sometimes get angry. Why not be honest with Him? There is no sense to PRETEND with God.

Why play Church with God? We have a relationship and I go through several different feelings with Him. However, my love for Him does not diminish. I may not FEEL that I love God, but that does not change the fact that I still love Him.

At times, I feel God strongly. Sometimes, my hands and body shakes as I pray for healing over someone. Other times, I do not feel anything inside, and yet the prayer is just as effective. Goosebumps do not affect the prayer either way.

Over the years, my “clinched teeth”-time with God has slowly diminished. However, it still pops up from time to time. God was never shocked or surprised by any words that came out of my mouth. God’s eyes and mouth never popped wide open. He would just wait until I calmed down, and remind me that He loved me.

We have a real relationship. We speak freely and openly.

Sometimes, I have even influenced God. I sense those raised eyebrows again. Three requests from my heart were sent to God today. Two were denied or delayed, and one was given to me. “If you really want that, it is okay with Me.” As long as it does not go contrary to His Word, God just may grant the desires of my heart.

The Bible mentions a few people who just kept asking until God agreed.

I hear some prayers where they never even ask ONE time. “IF it okay… I know I shouldn’t ask… IF it is alright with You… I mean, IF You feel the need to possibly help me out here… IF You are not too busy… IF You could bring Yourself way down to my low level… could I have a blessing… IF that is okay with You?”

He is GOD! What do you mean ‘IF’?

One time, the hospital called me at work to come down and say goodbye to my ailing mother. People at my secular work surrounded me to pray. After a long pause, I realized that they were expecting ME to pray as normal. Someone had to step up to pray.

They then offered up a faithless prayer. “Lord, if you so desire to take Tracy’s mom today, please give him peace…” I had to silently pray against the prayer! They didn’t know how to pray boldly. They gave a generic catch-all prayer that covered all bases… just in case God didn’t come through.

I don’t make excuses for God. If I don’t understand something, I bring it up to Him. On a few occasions, I just let God work and do not question Him. THOSE are the times, that I know I am growing up. “You know God, I have no idea what is going on right now, but I will put my trust in You.”

It is so much easier living for God without clinched teeth. It might even save me on some dental bills. The next time you catch yourself with your fist up in the air, think about that.

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CLINCHED TEETH
(C) 2006 Tracy Young